Self-Perception

This post is more quizzical than usual. The question being: How do you perceive yourself, and what are the relative merits and disadvantages of it?

Personally, I tend not to perceive myself. 99% of the time, I maintain awareness of what is immediately being input into my senses, and not much more. I go with the flow, and there is no "I", just the situation at hand.

Now, an obvious consequence of this, is that my emotional state is very heavily influenced by my environment. Of more concern, however, is that problematic behaviours of mine go largely unnoticed, due to this ignorance of self. Well, at least until after the fact, but by then, it's much too late.

On the other hand, I can avoid the application of my piercing critical faculty upon myself. Knowing how powerful and crucifying it can be, this odd "self-defence" mechanism has become deeply ingrained in my way of thinking and perceptions. For the same reason, I avoid looking in mirrors for time periods of any length. I choose not to look at myself, so I cannot see my faults, and butcher myself for them.

Of course, in the long term, this compensation is fruitless. Inevitably, my self-criticism finds a way through, having built up such ferocity in its suppression that it rends my soul apart. It's clear that the real solution is not to avoid this problem, but confront it head on, and tame my sense of self-loathing. However, this requires learning many skills to deal with it; skills that I currently lack. Still, I am in the process of doing this, and I will be victorious.

Although, perhaps victory isn't the point. Rather, I must learn to be happy alongside my imperfections, unafraid of self-judgement, and able to deal with its results. This is still a point of debate and confusion is my mind. Indeed, it's less about what I "must" do than what I "will" do, I suppose.

In any case, I do know another mode of self-perception; one I experience when the critical component of my mind is distracted. Here, I see myself in an objective sense, almost third person. I see me for all that I am, good and bad, and I see my position in my physical and social surroundings far more clearly. It is always brief, but I sense a profound clarity of thought, action and direction in it, and certainly, a much greater understanding of the self. Due to this more direct perception of behaviour patterns and habits, I feel I can control and change them with much greater ease. From what I can tell, this is a greatly advantageous state of mind.

The flip side of this way of thinking, is that it puts me at a far greater vulnerability to my wild and rampaging self-criticism. Since I can see so much more of myself, there is that much more surface area for caustic thoughts to attack. Then, as soon as I feel that unbearable burning, I react and withdraw, which explains the brevity of the experience.

Even as I write this, I think not of what the words mean to me, but only about the words themselves, from their selection and arrangement to their collective logical validity. Despite this, it seems to me that I need much more of this latter modality in my life, and I intend to get some.

With that said, what are your thoughts?