Now I can die a happy man!

Me and a friend somehow managed to sneak into the VIP gala dinner and event for the opening of the ROM's Michael Lee-Chin Crystal. I met some of the most famous people of my life there. Here's a list of some of the people I met in person:

• Michaëlle Jean - Governer General of Canada
• Jean-Daniel Lafond - Film-maker, Husband of Michaëlle Jean
• Daniel Libeskind - Architect of the Michael Lee-Chin Crystal & the NYC Freedom Tower
  
• Paul Gross - Host, Actor (Due South, Men with Brooms, etc.)
  
• Gordon Pinsent - Actor (Red Green Show, Due South, etc.)
• Fraser Walters, Victor Micallef, Remigio Pereira & Peter McCutcheon - Canadian Tenors
• Cody Karey - Musician

Of course, there were many more people present, such as Michael Lee-Chin himself, David Suzuki, David Foster and Sean Cullen. I'm certain that there were many CEOs, presidents, chairmen and other notables I did not recognize.

There were also many performers I saw at the concert, namely: Jann Arden, Jean Paul, Eva Avila, Isabel Bayrakdarin, Deborad Cox, K'naan, Leahy, Natalie McMaster, Alexandria Maillot, M'Girl, Sharon Riley & the Faith Chorale, and Dione Taylor. I watched them all at eye level from the bleachers and about 40 feet away.

In addition, there was plenty of drinks and finger foods going around. I enjoyed them greatly, as I toured the new extension for about an hour; the first group to do so. I'm certain, that I'm the first member of the general public to step in many areas of the building, and what a building it is! All in all, it was definitely an experience of a lifetime.

PS: Just remembered, I got on CityTV also. Maybe you'll see me?

Why arguing about God is stupid

The following was written in response to this comment on why the God debate is important:

Whether you like it or not, belief has impact upon peoples' actions. And incorrect beliefs frequently lead to harm. I don't see why you should consider it such a crime to fight ignorance wherever it festers.

Fundamentally, I agree with you. However, it's a question of relevance. I would work to reduce fanaticism in general before touching the question of God's existence. It's not like being an atheist somehow makes one any less extreme. You can be godless and still think that there is an alien spaceship hiding in the tail of a comet. Again, the suppression of religion in China has only moderately dampened superstitious beliefs. Plus, God's existence will always be unprovable one way or another, and clearly living a good life is fairly independent of the question. Just because this belief isn't necessary, doesn't mean that having it is a terrible thing. In other words, thinking that arguing about God's existence will make the world a significantly better place is itself an incorrect belief.

If I were you, I'd stop wasting my time with this distraction, and put my efforts into tackling problems that actually matter. For example, one might study the social dynamics of Islamic/Christian extremism/nationalism, try to find a workable solution, and then actually do something. Note that telling these people to simply stop believing in God is not a solution, because they would never agree with you, for one. Moreover, it would do almost nothing to resolve their conflicts, since most of them have a highly economic or political basis anyways. In short, don't bother trying to change a person's fundamental beliefs. Instead, teach them how to live productively and peacefully, regardless of the abstractions they happen to prefer.

Personally, I think this strategy will yield far better results than the one you depict. After all, a question who's answer is fairly irrelevant has no significantly wrong answers. The worst thing you can do with religion is to think it really matters, because then you give power to those that would manipulate it. You can't really affect a person using an idea they don't take very seriously. Thus, faith wouldn't be such a problem, if only people treated it like it wasn't a problem.

Self-Perception

This post is more quizzical than usual. The question being: How do you perceive yourself, and what are the relative merits and disadvantages of it?

Personally, I tend not to perceive myself. 99% of the time, I maintain awareness of what is immediately being input into my senses, and not much more. I go with the flow, and there is no "I", just the situation at hand.

Now, an obvious consequence of this, is that my emotional state is very heavily influenced by my environment. Of more concern, however, is that problematic behaviours of mine go largely unnoticed, due to this ignorance of self. Well, at least until after the fact, but by then, it's much too late.

On the other hand, I can avoid the application of my piercing critical faculty upon myself. Knowing how powerful and crucifying it can be, this odd "self-defence" mechanism has become deeply ingrained in my way of thinking and perceptions. For the same reason, I avoid looking in mirrors for time periods of any length. I choose not to look at myself, so I cannot see my faults, and butcher myself for them.

Of course, in the long term, this compensation is fruitless. Inevitably, my self-criticism finds a way through, having built up such ferocity in its suppression that it rends my soul apart. It's clear that the real solution is not to avoid this problem, but confront it head on, and tame my sense of self-loathing. However, this requires learning many skills to deal with it; skills that I currently lack. Still, I am in the process of doing this, and I will be victorious.

Although, perhaps victory isn't the point. Rather, I must learn to be happy alongside my imperfections, unafraid of self-judgement, and able to deal with its results. This is still a point of debate and confusion is my mind. Indeed, it's less about what I "must" do than what I "will" do, I suppose.

In any case, I do know another mode of self-perception; one I experience when the critical component of my mind is distracted. Here, I see myself in an objective sense, almost third person. I see me for all that I am, good and bad, and I see my position in my physical and social surroundings far more clearly. It is always brief, but I sense a profound clarity of thought, action and direction in it, and certainly, a much greater understanding of the self. Due to this more direct perception of behaviour patterns and habits, I feel I can control and change them with much greater ease. From what I can tell, this is a greatly advantageous state of mind.

The flip side of this way of thinking, is that it puts me at a far greater vulnerability to my wild and rampaging self-criticism. Since I can see so much more of myself, there is that much more surface area for caustic thoughts to attack. Then, as soon as I feel that unbearable burning, I react and withdraw, which explains the brevity of the experience.

Even as I write this, I think not of what the words mean to me, but only about the words themselves, from their selection and arrangement to their collective logical validity. Despite this, it seems to me that I need much more of this latter modality in my life, and I intend to get some.

With that said, what are your thoughts?

Help Me Be More Perfect

It's slowly become apparent to me that I crave perfection, like a metaphysical opium that grips my soul in its vice. It has become the crystal bullet that fires into my mind, driving it over the edge, for I desire it enough to indulge fantasy over the reality of its unreality. I sense, in the complexity of my minds imaginations, that I can find some happiness in delusion. Yet, I know this to be a faulty solution, leading only to the deterioration of self. Like a crack addict, I find myself crawling through the sewers of the mind in search of it, and as foolish as it is, all I want to do is ask, "Can you help me be more perfect?"

I hypothesize that if someone was there beside me, I could find the immortal strength to conclude this impossible quest. Again, I know that this is absurd, since only the equally ill would want to be accompanied by one so fixated as I. Thus, I feel left with my dreams, and thinking just maybe, if I focus completely enough, I can make these apparitions real enough to be satisfied. I could be that divine creature, that icon of glory, that God, and even if it only be in my mind, I wonder: What's the harm in that?

I argue that, after all, reality is in the eye of the beholder. I could see myself this way by a simple choice to do so; albeit, ignoring the obvious contradictions coming from my external reality. However, perception is but a function of the mind. In the end, I perceive what I want to perceive, even if it means choosing ignorance.

Of course, therein lies the contradiction. For, in ignoring that input, I am assuredly not perfect, but then, isn't the entire point of delusion to disregard reality? The question is not one of objective perfection, but of personal belief. It's what I feel, not what I know, and feelings are not bound to the realm of rationalism and logic. In short, I can be perfect in my mind, by simply ceasing to care about reality and "real" perfection.

Now, this is a very self-absorbed way of looking at things, I know, but when I have found so little in the world around me, why not? My best guess, is that I've just been unlucky, and there is actually a lot to be found in the outside world. Perhaps not perfection as I imagine it, but in fact, some quality that is better than what I can imagine. Frankly, I'm not sure these days. I have a lot of doubts, and only a few answers.

Maybe if I can rid myself of this obsession, I can take a step towards real goodness, real truth and real perfection. So, having realized this, I again ask the reader, "Can you help me be more perfect, by helping me to rid myself of the need this statement implies?"

To be totally honest though, I don't expect an answer. Why should the world come through with me this time? I certainly don't deserve it. I'm a broken person, which I know most people prefer to steer clear of, and that's fine. I'll probably figure it out on my own anyways... I hope. Although, these days, I have great doubt that I know what I'm doing anymore. Titanic doubt.

Pain

I wrote this randomly in a span of 5 minutes. Take it for what you will.

I bleed the truth
With the mind of Knuth
Thoughts twisted inwards
Become Rage's vineyards
At the Mirror I stand
Ready, my icy hand

I rip flesh from bone
To see who's home
No soul is found
So to Hell, I pound
Stomping irate
The God of Hate

Manson is foe
With friendly glow
Makes you his bitch
With the dead twitch
Releasing from pain
All the insane

These Words disturbed
Show evil perturbed
As I sit here waiting
For this endless grating
My heart's own torture
My self-directed mortar.

On Motivation & Depression

I find what motivates me the most is helping people, partially because I feel unable to help myself. I don't have enough discipline and terrible study habits, but also no real motivation. The thing I want the most right now is a loving relationship with a nice girl, I guess. However, I have done nothing significant with my life so far, so why would any self-respecting women want me?

I just go to chat rooms and forums all day, and sometimes read books. I have my job as a computer technician and math tutor, but they're only part time. They don't pay enough for me to move out from my parent's place, where I hate living, because my family is filled with emotionally oblivious, neurotic and unhealthily intense people. However, I failed university last year, and my confidence is so shaken, I find myself believing that I can't hold a real job. So I just sit here, day in and day out, with no life to speak of, and feeling that there's no way to get one.

So living in the state of mental decay, I ask the question, "What do I live for?" Too often, the answer only begets the question, "Why do I even bother continuing?" There are some good things in my life, but nothing seems to satisfy. Even the melodrama of these words disturbs me. I suppose then, I simply live for tomorrow. Another day, when perchance, someone that actually cares will drop into my life, and drag me off to greener pastures.

I guess that's why I like helping people, because hopefully my efforts will come around to me someday.

On that note, if anyone needs a C++ programmer, my services are freely available.

Who is DudeMiester?

The past no longer exists, the future hasn't come into being, so only the present is real. All thoughts of the past exist only as uncertain memories, and thoughts of the future, as uncertain predictions. Moreover, these predictions and memories exist only in the present within the mind. Thus, I am what I am, and that is my present state.

Still, this present state is the result of changes, and is itself, about to change. Yet, from this progression, a continuum can be constructed, a sort of cohesion of constant change. This blob, which is certainly not discrete, but rather, a fuzzy one, has travelled through time until now, and will continue its movement forward.

So, if I had to say I was someone, some constant thing, I would refer to this compact nexus of change, as nebulous as it may be. Given this, the question of identity is statistical, not absolute. Thus, it can only be determined by constant questioning and analysis of results.

This is the essence of experimentation, which in the social and emotional world, is expressed as role playing. Here one takes on an altered set of beliefs, behaviours and judgement structures, acts them out, and studies the results. Doing it allows one to gain a better understanding of the characteristics taken on. Thereby, one can clarify and establish one's ideal and preferred identity.

Of course, in addition to this, one must also consider the results of past actions, as encoded in memories, which is a vast amount of information. This corresponds to theoretical work, and is a kind of predicate logic. However, theories must be verified by experimental evidence, even if inspired by it. Certainly, having one without the other is less then optimal, wasteful and undesirable.

I believe this is why those that best understand themselves, and hence, operate most effectively in society, generally have the most open minds. For in order to consider different, but superior, ideas, one must be open to them. Indeed, even existing memories may be blocked to those too closed to re-experience their emotional weight. Ironically, doing this is required for their re-evaluation, so avoiding it is self-destructive. Thus, a healthy person must be open to both experience and expression.

I speak of this issue, because recent events have forced me to re-evaluate the way I live my life, particularly in the area of role play. Indeed, we play many roles in our lives, from the family caretaker to the working person, so flexibility here is critical. Certainly, one is an actor, but if one is acting all the time to some degree or another, then what happens to the underlying self? After all, isn't acting, by definition, pretending to be someone you are not?

Painfully, I have long felt that bending to the social rules imposed by these roles corrupts the identity of self, and you become a chameleon personality, a lie to everyone and yourself. However, if identity and self are themselves statistical entities, then they are necessarily shape shifting to some degree. Indeed, as your life progresses, your identity, body and personality will change, yet you still remain the same person.

While at first this seems a paradox, it is not, because the self is a continuum of change. This means that while one can be in an entirely different state at two different points in time, there is always a path connecting the two. The self is this path, not one particular state. It is this continuum, and the spread of states it passes through.

In other words, it's awfully shortsighted and foolish to think that you are who you are now, when you are so much more. Thus, you cannot corrupt yourself with a bit of role play, adherence to social rules and acting, so long it doesn't degrade yourself to the point of ending your continuum. Instead, one should act to sustain and enhance it to new levels of vibrancy, longevity and breadth.

Quite simply, role play cannot corrupt your current state, for it will cease to exist in just a moment anyways. Indeed, such pretending, such being something else, such change is a leap from the current state, and a progression of self. Then, if it brings about some new realization, it can only grow and improve the sense and continuum of self.

Therefore, the self arises from the acts we take on, until the role play is so innate that we feel identified with this role we never entirely are. The logic may be circular, but then, that's the nature of our reality, and a good thing as it allows for eternal self-perpetuation.

In truth, DudeMiester is what he is, was and will be, in which, nothing is exactly the same; his constant person is his inconsistent cohesion of constant change; and his goal is to expand the velocity and complexity of his structure to perfection.

Sorry for being long winded, and perhaps a bit vague, but lately, my understanding has been pushing the limits of my linguistic ability, if not exceeding it. That's OK though, no one's perfect.