Self-Perception

This post is more quizzical than usual. The question being: How do you perceive yourself, and what are the relative merits and disadvantages of it?

Personally, I tend not to perceive myself. 99% of the time, I maintain awareness of what is immediately being input into my senses, and not much more. I go with the flow, and there is no "I", just the situation at hand.

Now, an obvious consequence of this, is that my emotional state is very heavily influenced by my environment. Of more concern, however, is that problematic behaviours of mine go largely unnoticed, due to this ignorance of self. Well, at least until after the fact, but by then, it's much too late.

On the other hand, I can avoid the application of my piercing critical faculty upon myself. Knowing how powerful and crucifying it can be, this odd "self-defence" mechanism has become deeply ingrained in my way of thinking and perceptions. For the same reason, I avoid looking in mirrors for time periods of any length. I choose not to look at myself, so I cannot see my faults, and butcher myself for them.

Of course, in the long term, this compensation is fruitless. Inevitably, my self-criticism finds a way through, having built up such ferocity in its suppression that it rends my soul apart. It's clear that the real solution is not to avoid this problem, but confront it head on, and tame my sense of self-loathing. However, this requires learning many skills to deal with it; skills that I currently lack. Still, I am in the process of doing this, and I will be victorious.

Although, perhaps victory isn't the point. Rather, I must learn to be happy alongside my imperfections, unafraid of self-judgement, and able to deal with its results. This is still a point of debate and confusion is my mind. Indeed, it's less about what I "must" do than what I "will" do, I suppose.

In any case, I do know another mode of self-perception; one I experience when the critical component of my mind is distracted. Here, I see myself in an objective sense, almost third person. I see me for all that I am, good and bad, and I see my position in my physical and social surroundings far more clearly. It is always brief, but I sense a profound clarity of thought, action and direction in it, and certainly, a much greater understanding of the self. Due to this more direct perception of behaviour patterns and habits, I feel I can control and change them with much greater ease. From what I can tell, this is a greatly advantageous state of mind.

The flip side of this way of thinking, is that it puts me at a far greater vulnerability to my wild and rampaging self-criticism. Since I can see so much more of myself, there is that much more surface area for caustic thoughts to attack. Then, as soon as I feel that unbearable burning, I react and withdraw, which explains the brevity of the experience.

Even as I write this, I think not of what the words mean to me, but only about the words themselves, from their selection and arrangement to their collective logical validity. Despite this, it seems to me that I need much more of this latter modality in my life, and I intend to get some.

With that said, what are your thoughts?

Help Me Be More Perfect

It's slowly become apparent to me that I crave perfection, like a metaphysical opium that grips my soul in its vice. It has become the crystal bullet that fires into my mind, driving it over the edge, for I desire it enough to indulge fantasy over the reality of its unreality. I sense, in the complexity of my minds imaginations, that I can find some happiness in delusion. Yet, I know this to be a faulty solution, leading only to the deterioration of self. Like a crack addict, I find myself crawling through the sewers of the mind in search of it, and as foolish as it is, all I want to do is ask, "Can you help me be more perfect?"

I hypothesize that if someone was there beside me, I could find the immortal strength to conclude this impossible quest. Again, I know that this is absurd, since only the equally ill would want to be accompanied by one so fixated as I. Thus, I feel left with my dreams, and thinking just maybe, if I focus completely enough, I can make these apparitions real enough to be satisfied. I could be that divine creature, that icon of glory, that God, and even if it only be in my mind, I wonder: What's the harm in that?

I argue that, after all, reality is in the eye of the beholder. I could see myself this way by a simple choice to do so; albeit, ignoring the obvious contradictions coming from my external reality. However, perception is but a function of the mind. In the end, I perceive what I want to perceive, even if it means choosing ignorance.

Of course, therein lies the contradiction. For, in ignoring that input, I am assuredly not perfect, but then, isn't the entire point of delusion to disregard reality? The question is not one of objective perfection, but of personal belief. It's what I feel, not what I know, and feelings are not bound to the realm of rationalism and logic. In short, I can be perfect in my mind, by simply ceasing to care about reality and "real" perfection.

Now, this is a very self-absorbed way of looking at things, I know, but when I have found so little in the world around me, why not? My best guess, is that I've just been unlucky, and there is actually a lot to be found in the outside world. Perhaps not perfection as I imagine it, but in fact, some quality that is better than what I can imagine. Frankly, I'm not sure these days. I have a lot of doubts, and only a few answers.

Maybe if I can rid myself of this obsession, I can take a step towards real goodness, real truth and real perfection. So, having realized this, I again ask the reader, "Can you help me be more perfect, by helping me to rid myself of the need this statement implies?"

To be totally honest though, I don't expect an answer. Why should the world come through with me this time? I certainly don't deserve it. I'm a broken person, which I know most people prefer to steer clear of, and that's fine. I'll probably figure it out on my own anyways... I hope. Although, these days, I have great doubt that I know what I'm doing anymore. Titanic doubt.

Pain

I wrote this randomly in a span of 5 minutes. Take it for what you will.

I bleed the truth
With the mind of Knuth
Thoughts twisted inwards
Become Rage's vineyards
At the Mirror I stand
Ready, my icy hand

I rip flesh from bone
To see who's home
No soul is found
So to Hell, I pound
Stomping irate
The God of Hate

Manson is foe
With friendly glow
Makes you his bitch
With the dead twitch
Releasing from pain
All the insane

These Words disturbed
Show evil perturbed
As I sit here waiting
For this endless grating
My heart's own torture
My self-directed mortar.