It's slowly become apparent to me that I crave perfection, like a metaphysical opium that grips my soul in its vice. It has become the crystal bullet that fires into my mind, driving it over the edge, for I desire it enough to indulge fantasy over the reality of its unreality. I sense, in the complexity of my minds imaginations, that I can find some happiness in delusion. Yet, I know this to be a faulty solution, leading only to the deterioration of self. Like a crack addict, I find myself crawling through the sewers of the mind in search of it, and as foolish as it is, all I want to do is ask, "Can you help me be more perfect?"
I hypothesize that if someone was there beside me, I could find the immortal strength to conclude this impossible quest. Again, I know that this is absurd, since only the equally ill would want to be accompanied by one so fixated as I. Thus, I feel left with my dreams, and thinking just maybe, if I focus completely enough, I can make these apparitions real enough to be satisfied. I could be that divine creature, that icon of glory, that God, and even if it only be in my mind, I wonder: What's the harm in that?
I argue that, after all, reality is in the eye of the beholder. I could see myself this way by a simple choice to do so; albeit, ignoring the obvious contradictions coming from my external reality. However, perception is but a function of the mind. In the end, I perceive what I want to perceive, even if it means choosing ignorance.
Of course, therein lies the contradiction. For, in ignoring that input, I am assuredly not perfect, but then, isn't the entire point of delusion to disregard reality? The question is not one of objective perfection, but of personal belief. It's what I feel, not what I know, and feelings are not bound to the realm of rationalism and logic. In short, I can be perfect in my mind, by simply ceasing to care about reality and "real" perfection.
Now, this is a very self-absorbed way of looking at things, I know, but when I have found so little in the world around me, why not? My best guess, is that I've just been unlucky, and there is actually a lot to be found in the outside world. Perhaps not perfection as I imagine it, but in fact, some quality that is better than what I can imagine. Frankly, I'm not sure these days. I have a lot of doubts, and only a few answers.
Maybe if I can rid myself of this obsession, I can take a step towards real goodness, real truth and real perfection. So, having realized this, I again ask the reader, "Can you help me be more perfect, by helping me to rid myself of the need this statement implies?"
To be totally honest though, I don't expect an answer. Why should the world come through with me this time? I certainly don't deserve it. I'm a broken person, which I know most people prefer to steer clear of, and that's fine. I'll probably figure it out on my own anyways... I hope. Although, these days, I have great doubt that I know what I'm doing anymore. Titanic doubt.
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Dear Dudemiester,
Before fully responding to your post, I must say, that I haven't heard anyone use the suffix miester in a very long time. Since I was a child to be precise. When I was playing with the other little girls and the name of one of our imaginary cats was spikemiester. :P
Anyways, perfection. per.fec.tion. what a goal to pursue. Indeed I have broken my back and my mind and my heart in pursuit of it. Spending countless hours expending all my time and energy pursuing an ideal that I cannot allow myself to believe I have achieved even though some say it is so. For it IS subjective, and when there are no rational qualifications to which we can compare and quantify our achievements how can we begin to perceive any progress? There is always more to be done, more skills to master, more friends to make and hardly any motivation to keep going except a bizarre obsession with a fundamentally losing battle. Then again, even when we have the motivation what energy is there left to do it all with? Especially when we get so broken and low at the perception of our near constant defeat.
Dear friend, I am also broken. Nothing is quite as trying as knowing that no one cares enough or has patience to deal with that. Then again, how can any one person heal another without devoting their life to that endeavour? At our age, such a commitment, is impossible to find. So what to do? Take solace in those moments when for a short while the people in our lives hold out a hand and show us the way. No one person will take you all the way there. But they can certainly make a few steps to perfection or just feeling good a little bit easier.
There is no overarching perfection but there is beauty in details taken in and appreciated in isolation one at a time. Perfection can be found in these grains of beauty and if you find enough of them in your day and in your self perhaps you can begin to perceive that perfect is not just right in front of you. It IS you.
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